Circles

Sometimes I wish I actually could wake myself up when I know that I'm dreaming...

I was in a big city, surreal and empty in a way no real city actually is, and I was running to find S's parents' house. Every building I ducked in did not have a public bathroom, and I had to PEE! I was hoping that I would reach S's parents' before I burst, but I couldn't remember what their house looked like or remember any landmarks that would lead me to them. So instead I wandered the empty streets, glistening as if a light shower occurred some moments before. After a while, the water began to evaporate and the streets became very steamy and humid, and the night air felt heavy. I began to get nervous, and found an alley that seemed okay enough to pee in. Just as I was popping a squat, a cat skittered by, and I jumped up, realizing that I didn't have much actually in me and that I was developing a UTI.

Around that point I semi-realized that I was dreaming, but could not seem to awaken myself. So I kept wandering, half-heartedly now that I knew it wasn't "real," when my phone rang. S told me to take a left and scoot down a snicket and his parents' house would be there, and when I did so, I became excited again that I'd have a bathroom to use. But when I got in, his mom grilled me as to why I needed to use the bathroom, and chastised me for having a UTI, as that was clearly some sign of poor hygiene or ineptitude in some way. Ashamed, I left, and repeatedly jumped in and out of the pond out back in an attempt to awaken myself.

Finally my phone rang for real, and I woke up. With a UTI.

:(

Red Chestnut: A Semi-Dream

Dr. Bach's System of 38 Flower Remedies

The other day I purchased the Red Chestnut Remedy from my local Whole Foods. I tried it for the first time last night and again this morning and I can definitely notice a positive difference. I also spent a good amount of time googling natural remedies for heartburn, and in doing so realized I am my own worst enemy (doing things that perpetuate the cycle).

The difference between my anxious-self today and that of yesteryear is that I now have the means/motivation to better myself on my own, but without being too proud to recognize when outside assistance is a huge help. Being social, speaking of my fears/anxiety to my lover, de-stressing with healthy meditation, yoga and exercise and being able to step outside of myself are all playing their part in my own self-healing. I have not had a huge turning point in my life in quite some time. I have never been so happy and pleased to make another happy in my entire life, so naturally with this otherwordly happiness comes the fear of losing such. I have struggled with intense fears of abandonment, rejection, and self-loathing for most of my life. I am not searching for a quick-fix or to even rid myself entirely of these fears, for that would take away from the person I have become. However, I am striving to tame such fears and anxieties and to understand them. Running from them and avoiding them has not helped my over the years, though I initially thought it had. I need to recognize their true form, while my own is stepping into the light. I feel that most everyone around me is at a turning point in their life, it is clear that I am not alone in this enlightenment. But as much as we need to evaluate ourselves, we also must lean on each other.

In my dream last night, every person I have ever met lined up at the top of a hill and waved to me [individually] before sliding down. Once we were reunited at the bottom, we embraced for an extended period of time. To those on the outside, this sudden human contact seemed drawn-out; unnecessary. Only when their arms were wrapped around another did they fully understand the reason for this lengthy unison. Only then did they feel at peace.