Circles

Sometimes I wish I actually could wake myself up when I know that I'm dreaming...

I was in a big city, surreal and empty in a way no real city actually is, and I was running to find S's parents' house. Every building I ducked in did not have a public bathroom, and I had to PEE! I was hoping that I would reach S's parents' before I burst, but I couldn't remember what their house looked like or remember any landmarks that would lead me to them. So instead I wandered the empty streets, glistening as if a light shower occurred some moments before. After a while, the water began to evaporate and the streets became very steamy and humid, and the night air felt heavy. I began to get nervous, and found an alley that seemed okay enough to pee in. Just as I was popping a squat, a cat skittered by, and I jumped up, realizing that I didn't have much actually in me and that I was developing a UTI.

Around that point I semi-realized that I was dreaming, but could not seem to awaken myself. So I kept wandering, half-heartedly now that I knew it wasn't "real," when my phone rang. S told me to take a left and scoot down a snicket and his parents' house would be there, and when I did so, I became excited again that I'd have a bathroom to use. But when I got in, his mom grilled me as to why I needed to use the bathroom, and chastised me for having a UTI, as that was clearly some sign of poor hygiene or ineptitude in some way. Ashamed, I left, and repeatedly jumped in and out of the pond out back in an attempt to awaken myself.

Finally my phone rang for real, and I woke up. With a UTI.

:(

Red Chestnut: A Semi-Dream

Dr. Bach's System of 38 Flower Remedies

The other day I purchased the Red Chestnut Remedy from my local Whole Foods. I tried it for the first time last night and again this morning and I can definitely notice a positive difference. I also spent a good amount of time googling natural remedies for heartburn, and in doing so realized I am my own worst enemy (doing things that perpetuate the cycle).

The difference between my anxious-self today and that of yesteryear is that I now have the means/motivation to better myself on my own, but without being too proud to recognize when outside assistance is a huge help. Being social, speaking of my fears/anxiety to my lover, de-stressing with healthy meditation, yoga and exercise and being able to step outside of myself are all playing their part in my own self-healing. I have not had a huge turning point in my life in quite some time. I have never been so happy and pleased to make another happy in my entire life, so naturally with this otherwordly happiness comes the fear of losing such. I have struggled with intense fears of abandonment, rejection, and self-loathing for most of my life. I am not searching for a quick-fix or to even rid myself entirely of these fears, for that would take away from the person I have become. However, I am striving to tame such fears and anxieties and to understand them. Running from them and avoiding them has not helped my over the years, though I initially thought it had. I need to recognize their true form, while my own is stepping into the light. I feel that most everyone around me is at a turning point in their life, it is clear that I am not alone in this enlightenment. But as much as we need to evaluate ourselves, we also must lean on each other.

In my dream last night, every person I have ever met lined up at the top of a hill and waved to me [individually] before sliding down. Once we were reunited at the bottom, we embraced for an extended period of time. To those on the outside, this sudden human contact seemed drawn-out; unnecessary. Only when their arms were wrapped around another did they fully understand the reason for this lengthy unison. Only then did they feel at peace.

The Halfling's Dilemma.

A group of friends, my lover and a stranger band together to assist in my unicorn metamorphosis. Everyone is eager about this transformation, including myself. My hair becomes what would be my horn and mane. They fashion me a tail and hoofs, piecing odds and ends together with purple ribbon and transparent thread. We walk to a park on a nice day, doing our work in the sun for a change. I overhear the stranger talking to the group about how she feels anyone could be a unicorn, but she believes it to be a form of escapism. I chime in to say it's not so much a choice of physical appearance, but a shift in your consciousness and a change of heart. She argues against me, stating it's much like when I decided to alter my sexual preference. During our conversation, no one else voices their opinion. This solemn girl refuses to recognize my feelings as sincere, which is hurtful. I glance around for support from my peers, my friends, my lover, but they remain stone-faced. I run, no---I gallop off into the wilderness, and I am not pursued. Half unicorn, half human, I glance at my phone awaiting contact from my lover, but the screen remains blank. I gaze into a pond at my incomplete horn, which teeters back and forth. I feel lost, lonely, lucid. What is a halfling to do? I wander further still, cutting through fog with my feeble extremity. It starts to snow. I nuzzle my tail into my face; my security blanket. In reaching for my phone, I accidentally drop it to the ground. The screen flashes and reboots and I suddenly realize it has been off this entire time. Once it returns to the main screen I am bombarded with a plethora of panicked text messages and misses calls from my lover. She is searching for me. She explains her silence, admitting that her lack of response stemmed from her inability to understand the words that escaped me. I hadn't realized my outburst had taken the form of the language of my half-species. But why then was the stranger able to translate my blubberings? I turn hard and trace my steps back. I must reunite with my lover, wherever she may be. I am ashamed of my lack of belief in her; my foolish run-away. In one of her voice-mails she confesses that after I fled, she stood up for me. She need not understand my unicorn-speak, for she knows the language of my heart. She feels foolish for ever doubting me, for not allowing her feet to follow my own. I am running as fast as my four legs will carry me. My mane whips through the wind. The remains of my clothes trail behind me, like a layer of unwanted skin being shed. I stop short. Before me stands my beloved creature. She has eyes like mine, sharing the same tears. I rest my head on her velvety shoulder, "What took you so long?" She pushes her face onto my own, she whimpers, "The path was long and lonesome. The trail was treacherous and scattered with shards of you. I walked on as my own body crumbled. I lost my flesh, my bones, my blood." I blink hard, fluttering my lashes on her cheek, "Then why...?" She wraps her limbs around me, "So you would no longer be the only unicorn in the woods."

The Glow.

In my dream, my ex Kyle somehow found out that I am with Dani and how happy we are together. He put me into some kind of trance and blocked her from my memory. He locked me in a dark room and kept me hidden from all others. He made me believe that I loved him, and though in the back of my mind hesitation lingered, I could not figure out exactly where it stemmed from. After being trapped under his spell for so long, I started to go mad; to search for answers. What was I doing here?
This didn't feel like happiness.
One day he asked if I would love him forever, I paused and asked what forever meant. He said, "Something eternal", then slouched over in a chair in the corner and dozed off. I paced around the room in the darkness, chewing on the words that had been left for scraps. Then suddenly it hit me. I didn't know where Dani was or she'd still have me, but I knew I MUST find her. All at once everything seemed so clear, this wasn't where I belonged--it never was.
I found a window ajar and forced it open. Kyle awoke from the noise and demanded to know what it was I thought I was doing. I screamed at him to stay back, to let me go. That I had a love out there in the untamed world and would stop at nothing to find it. I screamed how he belittled me and crawled inside my head, how I knew deep down that I did not love him and he never truly loved me. He had wanted to love me, no...he had dreamed for someone to love him, that he could be somebody's world. I bounded out the window as he fumbled after me, but I was already gone. The spell had been broken.
My love for her still beat strong within my heart. I would run until my legs crumbled so that I could find her, hold her, become one with her. The sky overhead drizzled and dripped it's darkness upon me. I hadn't a clue where my legs were leading me, but I did not cease. I COULD NOT turn back.
My dad was driving back to the house with my younger sister and her friend when they found me. They scooped me up and patted dry my damp clothes. I soon discovered the room I'd been held captive in was none other than my parents living room; he'd caged me within my own comfort. Then our search began. We drove through blackened cities and barren countryside, but to no avail.
We eventually retired in my parents' garage, thawing food from the freezer to eat and melting ice to quench our thirst. My dad rolled over a cooler and propped it up against the wall. He waited until Felicia and Lauren were distracted and then whispered to me that he might know a way for me to reach her. "I will do anything", I replied, "Whatever it takes." He nodded and led me toward the empty cooler. He explained there was a portal inside, but once within it there was no guarantee I could come back, or what dangers I would face. Lastly, I'd have to cross the threshold alone. But I was not afraid, I knew wherever she existed was where I wanted to be, and that our love would be more than all the strength I could ever wish to muster alone. So I hugged my dad and crawled inside the cooler. Right before I crossed over I saw a blinding light, brighter than any ray of sunshine, and in that moment I knew that she was the glow on the other side.

...Bee-ing One of You

During the past several days since S's brother passed away, I really haven't had much time to dream. Sleep was relegated to quick naps on the couch, or the hesitations between a cuddle. Last night was the first real sleep I had achieved, and the nature of it is very telling of my emotional state.

S and I are at a family gathering at his grandparents' home. Italians ooze out of the walls practically, talking animatedly in a unique Italian-English-American Sign Language hybrid that I can assume only exists in towns like Gloucester, where families are huge and forever together.

Kids were playing outside, and I see a small animal struggling with something. It appeared ferret-like and I gingerly approached to help. The poor creature was being maimed by a swarm of bees, and in my haste to rescue the fuzzy one, I stepped on the nest and released another hoard upon us. I wrapped the tiny ferret up in my shirt and ran towards the front yard, to get into S's car. The ferret seeed shaken up and stung but generally okay, so I cradled her in a few shirts lying around, and headed inside to tell S. By the time I found him, I could feel my lips and eyes and throat swelling up, and my arms and legs get stiff, and my heart racing. "I'm going into anaphylactic shock!!" I keep yelling, but no one is paying any attention. I keep asking for an Epi-Pen, but S's family is too involved in conversation to hear me. Eventually, I struggle my way back out to S's car and get inside and curl up with the little ferret, and assume I am going to die. S comes into the car and stabs me hard with an Epi-Pen, and I swear I can feel the hystamines breaking down in my blood and my heart slowing back down. The swelling retreats, and S looks at me and says, "Not everything is about you, you know."

I struggle with my selfish nature, but now moreso than ever. I see such opposite nature in S in that way, and I know I am not good enough for him. I need to be good enough for him, I need to know how.. How to be a Frontiero.

Paradiso (Redux)

This was an entry from a livejournal written on October 25th 2006, right before I started working at Highland. My current username (I had many) was Ghost1929, from a beloved Neutral Milk Hotel Song. I had already coined the nickname Megzuki and was still using Myspace. Funny I should rediscover this now, just shy of 5 years later, and I am currently rereading Geek Love, which I cannot but think of while reading this.

Life is funny-touching at times.

Also eerie...

last night i had a dream in which i was staying in a 4-star hotel. the reason as to why i was there revolved around myself being shipped off to college, but lacking an appropriate place to abide until the semester began. my parents had left the country for reasons unknown and so had placed me in the finest establishment they could locate, where all my companions had miraculously been placed, as well. because, you see, in my dream there existed one measly college that everyone was required to attend.

the hotel functioned not only a a living quarters, but for recreational purposes, as well. it included a theater, gymnasium, and an underground shopping center that we could use to our own advantages and function in to fit our own time-frames.

one day i was wandering around trying to locate the theater, and i stumbled upon a room unfamiliar to my memory. the door was slightly ajar and was partially shielding the voices that seemed to be leaking form beneath it. curiosity overtook me, and with no hesitation i gave the door a shove, coming face-to-face with a sight more shocking than i had prepared myself for.

behind the door lay a modernized side-show...but the first word that entered my mind was HELL, for beyond the barrier existed a micro-pod of people that lacked the appropriate limbs to normally function as human beings. their wanton eyes stared questionably at my average form, as they and myself waited for the first move to be made. i could feel their minds straining to locate some anatomical error in my makeup, searching for my missing segment before accepting me into their self-declared sanctuary. as i stood there speechless, jaw dropped open, i suddenly felt i wave a acceptance wash over me, and i found myself to be moving forward--violently driven by some force outside of myself.

before i knew it, my arms were wrapped around these hobbling creatures...these misplaced mutants lacking lower-bodies. grasping onto something so honest and pure, that i drifted into an out of body state, with these innocent souls just inches away from my heart. and suddenly their expressions shifted from something defensive and fearful to inexplicably astonished as i continuously brought each one of them into my arms and onto my chest, lifting off me a weight that i had become so used to carrying. every chip on my shoulder, every rust-eroded memory, every scar that haunted my weary mind...disintegrated.

and the rooms inhabitants wept, because an incident as rare and as lovely as this was doomed to never occur twice over alongside humanity. for if it did, the universe would collapse inside itself, and the world would be dangerously too close to Paradise.

It's at a fancy restaurant, kay?

Even my subconscious finds ways to see humor and irony in things. It creates these situations for itself, but in a way, there is a beauty inside the science of dreaming.

S pulls me into the car, blindfolded. It is cold out and I require a blanket, curled up inthe front seat, waiting for the engine to warm up. It seems early. Dark still. Perhaps not even morning.

I often have dreams where I am only expeeriencing them via sound, touch, and taste. Many of my dreams are blind and visionless, and I have dreamed in this way for my entire life. Nothing seems lacking, and it isn't necessarily a fearful feeling. It is just a different perception. And if dreams are only one thing, they are a combustion of perception.

But this dream opens up suddenly, no longer a blind experience. A vast field is to my right, outside my window. It's chilly, late fall, few leaves left on the trees. A few boys fumble with traditional falconing equiptment: a tangle of leather jessies and a flurry of tiercels, peregrines, and goshawks. The austringers wave as we pass. I turn to S and exclaim how we must be passing near King Richard's Faire, but S shakes his head and says that we're nowhere near there. Disappointed, I watch the falconers communicate with their birds. They disappear into the horizon, and the ride seems to go on forever.

Eventually we pull into a parkinglot with a traditional amusement park gate, and my heart flutters once again. We really ARE at King Richard's Faire!

We get out and I bubble all the way to the front gate. S tells me that we have to go back, though, because I have to work in an hour. So we get back into the car and drive all the way home. I arrive at work upset, and enter a store in a state of complete disarray: animals scurrying about, products and items scattered as if an earthquake ravaged the area. My boss calls and tells me that the floor is built on some kind of wetlands, and suddenly I'm standing on Jell-O. Wobbling across the store, I decide to close early. I send everyone home and close down the registers, and get back home by noon. S looks at me confused, and I tell him, "we should have stayed at the faire after all" with an exaggerated tone, as if I truly saw the situation as ironic. S reacts as if he's hurt by this.

Outside, a hawk screeches and swoops.

-runt